Fear and insecurtities

Hi friends,

Today i’m grateful for the simple joy of sitting on the back patio with my lap top, my water and just listening to the birds.

I have been thinking a lot about fear the past week or so. Fear is such a tricky thing in my life (i’m assuming other people’s lives too, but I can only speak to mine!). Fear stops me from doing many activities that I want to do. It’s been fascinating how quickly fear will stop me dead in my tracks. Over the past week, i’ve jotted down a few things fear has gotten in the way of. I noted throughout the week, it was often related to fear of being judged, criticized or made fun of that kept me from doing certain tasks. An example i’ll share with you: I was heading out to do a run for my #5kin100days training and was on the interval training portion of my workout. I began jogging and about 15 seconds into my interval I saw someone ahead of me on the path. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was so fearful this person would see me running (or trying to) and make a comment. I tweeted a question about insecurities while running and got a few responses that were helpful. One of them mentioned that MOST other people out there running/jogging/walking/whatever aren’t really going to be paying attention to the other people. They’ll be in their own zone doing their own thing. I know that intellectually I get that and know that to be mostly true AND there’s still this debilitating fear that someone will make a comment, and I feel vulnerable to that.

Another instance was going to a movie with my friend: She is around the same size as me. I was really fearful someone would make a comment about us being fat, or whatever. I would be so embarrassed if someone did. I almost cancelled going to a movie and hanging out with a friend who I really enjoy because of this fear.

I wish it weren’t so easy to get caught up in fear. I don’t want my fear and insecurities to direct my life and in so many ways they do.

  • How do you handle your fears or insecurities?

 

In other news: I have stayed on my plan this week! No binges since the scary one earlier this week! I moved my shopping day to tomorrow as plans and other things go in the way today. I was able to plan other day of food with the groceries I had at the house. I look forward to being on track!

I’m off to cook dinner!

Until next time,

Sarah

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June 18, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Holding steady

Hello friends,

Today i’m grateful for sunshine and birds chirping! (i’m in Washington state…and it’s been raining and gloomy…EVEN for Wa state!! HELLO SUNSHINE!)

I am just quickly going to post a thank you to the lovely people who commented on my last blog, I truly appreciate you reaching out, from the bottom of my heart.

Moving on!! I am so happy to report – i’m holding steady. I’ve stayed on my plan since my post Monday evening. Wednesdays are really tough days for me – I work 12-13 hours and the end of the evening i’m in charge of providing food and snacks for a group of people I work with. I came up with a game plan before heading in to the meeting space to ensure my success. I even reached out to someone I don’t normally ask for help from. Through all of the stress and long hours…I stayed on my food plan! It feels like a huge success.

I’m working on my #5kin100days training. I had a fabulous first run then got sick. I’m back to feeling well again and completed my second run. It felt amazing. Going into the run, it felt more scary than the first one. I did it though! I will complete my third run today after work. I packed my work-out clothes, shoes and gear. I’m seeing a pattern! I need to plan. I need to set myself up for success. During my run, I steered clear of people pretty well, toward the end of my interval portion of my run, another runner approached me on the path. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was terrified they would say something, make a face, or whatever. In all actuality, i know there are people who might make comments and the ones who would say something out l;oud are probably few and far between. And, I know I can’t control what they think. I can just keep going. I’m not there to please someone else, i’m not there to look good, or to impress anyone else. I’m there solely for the purpose of improving myself and my health. I KNOW these things and not letting my anxiety get in the way is really difficult. I posed a question on Twitter and got responses that were helpful, including a suggestion of possible running in the morning, before the sun is up. It’s a possibility. I need to decide it’s worth it. I know in my brain that it’s worth it. I need to feel it.

I will make it through this. I am worth it.

Until next time,

Sarah

 

June 16, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Scary binges – a request for help.

Hi friends,

Today i’m thankful for being alive.

I’m here, alive, but not well. I posted a couple of weeks ago about my illness, then again here. I was determined NOT to let this illness derail me, or set me back. Well, it did. I just had a week long+ long binge that has left me up 10 pounds. I know part of the weight is probably water weight as I was eating lots of salty food. I stopped at a fast food restaurant today, which i’d managed to avoid doing over the past week. I ordered my food and was about half way through eating it when I noticed how horrible I felt. The food didn’t even taste good. Why was I eating this?

It’s so frustrating when I know without a doubt that I need to track, plan and ACTUALLY eat what I plan out. I just wasn’t able to ‘snap out of it’ last week. I went to the store this evening after the fast food incident and purchased a few things that I need to get me through lunch on Saturday. My plan is to go grocery shopping Saturday morning after planning meals for the following week.

I absolutely hate my relationship with food right now. There are times when I know I reward myself and body with food, there are other times when it’s almost like i’m punishing myself and body with food. I would classify last week as punishing myself. It’s almost like I got sick, and I might as well sabotage everything i’ve worked hard at, because I got sick. I found myself binging on things I haven’t binged on for a long time. There were also times where I went to my “staple”  binge foods.

It feels scary to me to be aware of my actions and not be able to stop them. I continued to read the blogs I always read, follow folks on Twitter and even comment on other people’s posts, all the while, I never once reached out to the community i’m a part of to say I needed help.  

Here I am asking for your help.

  • Do you struggle with binges?
  • How do you work your way out of them?
  • What do you do to prevent them?

 

I would love to hear from other folks who struggle with the same issues. Shameless plug, please repost my blog and send folks my way who might be willing to answer my questions. If you don’t feel comfortable answering them through comments, please feel free to email me – i’m at longroadtohealthysarah@gmail.com. I’m also on Twitter @Sarita85.

 

I’m feeling desperate

I’m feeling alone

I’m feeling scared

 

For tonight my commitment is to finish my bottle of water and go to bed. I will not eat anything else. I have packed my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow. I’m prepared. I can do this.

Until next time,

Sarah

June 13, 2011. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Commitment, take two

Hi friends,

Today I’m thankful for the lovely community I’m a part of.

Alright. Day one of my 7 day commitment didn’t go so well. I didn’t photograph everything. I did eat my meals as planned. I even made it through rite-aid without purchasing candy, treats or snacks! Yes!! That was a huge success.

I’m committing to photograph every meal tomorrow. Again. Take two.

That’s it for today. Long, busy day.

Until next time,

Sarah

June 7, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Weigh in, commitment & binges.

Good day friends,

Today i’m grateful for the stability of my job and housing situation. I know many people aren’t as blessed at this time.

weekly (ish) weigh in – Mondays will be my official weigh in days. This is partially strategic. It reminds me I don’t get to have “free days” on the weekends. Weekends need to be just as in control as EVERY other day of the week. Back to the weigh in. I am down 16 pounds from 2 weeks ago. As a side note: I have been sick and haven’t had much of an appetite. I will weigh in again next Monday and post it here.

My commitment: I am committing to two things; I will write down every single thing I eat for the next 7 days. I also will take photos of each thing I eat; regardless of what it is. I will note it, even if I don’t want to. The second thing i’m committing to is to get some form of exercise 5 out of the next 7 days. As I wrote in a previous blog, I started the #5Kin100days training last week. Two days later I ended up in the ER with what was later diagnosed as diverticulitis. I haven’t gotten any exercise and am way behind on the training. I am well aware I need to get my body back to healthy before I can begin additional training, this doesn’t give me an excuse to be lazy.

My plan: I have planned out my food over the next 7 days. Again, I will write down and take photos of everything I eat. I also am making a commitment that I will not skip planned meals or snacks because I don’t feel like eating, i’m too lazy to make something, or I don’t feel good. I am giving myself permission to make adjustments when needed, but skipping a meal isn’t an option.

On to another topic which i’m not exactly fond of writing about. Binging. I’m a binger – i’ve struggled with it since I was a young teenager. I define binge as eating an unhealthful amount of food, with a lack of control over my choices regarding that food.  I remember stealing food after dinner and hiding it in my room to eat after my parents went to bed. At first, it would be an extra soda, later it turned into chips and salsa, desserts and eventually i’d be eating what was equivalent to an additional meal AFTER i’d already eaten more than one helping at dinner. Not long after I discovered how comforting binging was to me, I also discovered how freeing purging was and how much control I felt after engaging in this act.  This started a very vicious cycle of binging, purging and restricting calories that went on from my early teens into my early twenties. After moving out of my parents house at the age of 18, I loved how in control I felt when I would choose the foods I could binge on. I’d purchase foods in the grocery store or at the corner market with plans of eating all of the particular item when I go home. As i’m tying this  a thought comes to me and it is “if I was actually able to wait until I got home!”. There were plenty of times when I would binge on many different items in my car on the way home, to work, to school, to my folks house to EAT DINNER. I would like to be able to say i’ve been ‘binge free’ for a certain amount of time, when in reality, i’m struggling to make it one day at a time without a binge. I read a post by Tara @ A life changing Journey today that talked about binging on a “healthy” food. This is also something i’ve struggled with.

This behaviour is no longer acceptable in my life!

There. I said it. I know that if I want to reach my goals, live a healthy life and be comfortable, binging is no longer an option. I’ve made a commitment to plan out, record and photograph everything I eat over the next 7 days. I’m hoping my commitment to this goal will keep me binge free, or very close to it.

I will leave you with that. I feel very vulnerable putting this information out for the world to see – I also know i’m not alone in this behavior.

Until next time,

Sarah

 

June 6, 2011. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Time to heal

Hi friends,

I’ve been quite sick the past few days. I ended up back in the ER and spent the day there Friday. It turns out I have diverticulitis. It’s quite painful. I have info (though it is limited) from ER doctor on modifications for diet.

I will consult my nutritionist later this week.

I have a few ideas for posts, including medical treatment of overweight and obese people.

I have been quite under the weather, even though I’ve been quite sick, I haven’t binged this week. I haven’t been able to keep up totally with #5Kin100days as I’ve been so ill. I’m hoping to continue training this week.

I hope your health journey is continuing on the path you’d like it to be on.

Until next time,

Sarah

June 4, 2011. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

Sick but not defeated

Hi friends,

This will be a short post. I spent most of the night in the ER last night. Turns out I have a uti & kidney infection. Long story short – lots of pain. Super sick to my stomach.

I’ve continued to eat as well as I can. I will not let this defeat me or be another excuse.

I’m off to get some sleep. Hope to be on my way to better soon.

Until next time,

Sarah.

June 2, 2011. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

I ran (sorta!)

Hello friends!

Today i’m grateful for MY ability to take a chance and do something that is REALLY out of my comfort zone. What was it you ask??

I completed my first day of training of the #5Kin100days ! To be quite honest with you, I wasn’t sure i’d be able to actually complete it. I am the girl who has never really run in my life. I’m the girl who has 200+ pounds to lose. And i’m the girl who wants to run. I started with my warm up – I didn’t think it was too bad….a few minutes of walking…I can handle that…right? Okay…i’ve completed that…now it’s time to get stretched out! Again – this shouldn’t be to bad right? I can handle it. Alright! Now it’s time to move on to something a bit more intense…my confidence began to fade. I sucked it up, turned my stop watch on to the correct number of minutes, blasted some Lady Gaga and was off! At the 5 minute mark, I was ready to quit. Those evil and negative thoughts that are so good at what they do started to creep up. “Why the hell are you trying this? You’ll just quit like you do every other program you start”, “Look at how riduclous you look!” and my favorite of all “Look at how fast THAT person is running! You call this running?!?!” Okay! That needed to stop or I wasn’t going to finish! Fine…what do I do? I start naming off family members who are important to me; Mom, sis, neice, dad, Housemate . Next Bloggers who inspire me, Jen @ Priorfatgirl, Tara @ Alifechangingjourney.com and Emmie @ Skinnyemmie.com. Wow! The next thing I know my stop watch is going off! I made it!! On to the next portion, I actually have to run. I set my stop watch and go…slow but steady, I go. Naming the important people in my family “Mom, sis, niece, dad, housemate” on to the bloggers “Jen! Tara! Emmie! Brad!” (The list would have gone on, but my stop watch beep! Holy shit! I just ran! (well..jogged…but who’s counting??) On to the next portion, rinse and repeat! I was on the third set of running and I have a revelation. I kept repeating other peoples names, repeating bloggers that inspire me, family members, and it dawned on me “I’m doing this for me!” My last set of running I repeated over and over again “You are worth it Sarah, you’re doing this because you deserve so much more”

Yes, of course it’s wonderful to have these people who inspire me and are in my court. It’s great to know I have people to lean on when things get rough. When it all comes down to it, i’m not going to lose 200 pounds for someone else, i’m not going to get my ass out and run IN PUBLIC for someone else, and i’m not going to keep track of my food day in and day out for someone else. I will do it because I need to.

I started my cool down, found a bench to sit on and I cried. I cried because I completed this task I thought was impossible. I cried because I was happy, I was excited, I was amazed at what my body allowed me to do.

Today was a rough day at work and for the whole 40 minutes I was focused on my workout, work didn’t cross my mind one time. That’s a true gift.

I’ve made a very satisfying dinner, packed my lunch and dinner for tomorrow at work and am going to head off to get some rest.

Until next time,

Sarah

(view from bench where I sat and cried)

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May 31, 2011. Uncategorized. 4 comments.

Motivation – what’s yours?

Hello friends,

Today I’m grateful for impromptu family visits.

I did fairly well on my food today. I did eat a piece of candy that I wasn’t scheduled to eat.

I made it to the Y and did 10 minute warm up on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the elliptical.

Today I spent time with my sis and my 8 year old niece. We ate dinner together. My niece said “mommy – sometimes older kids at school say I’m fat”. That about broke my heart. My niece is a tad over a healthy weight. My sister is also working on healthy habits at home including food and exercise. In the mean time, my precious niece is experiencing the exact thing I’ve NEVER wanted her to experience. I’ve been overweight since I was her age. I remember being teased and ridiculed for my weight since I started school. I recall how cruel and hateful kids can be towards someone who is deemed “different”.

We spoke about how some people don’t tolerate people who look different, including size, shape, hair color, skin color, how their voice sounds, etc. She said “maybe we can stop eating candy for a month”. My sister agreed they’ll stop eating candy for a month!

This conversation was really difficult for me. I don’t want her to go through life and experience the struggles I’ve been through because of my weight. I want her to have a healthy start, middle and end to her life.

I know what I’m able to do to influence her is showing good examples of healthy food choices, healthy lifestyle choices and encouraging her to explore healthy things too. I can’t control the way other people treat her, I also can’t control her habits all the time.

She again reminded me tonight of why I’m on this road. I’m on the road because she needs a healthy role model. She I need to give myself the pleasure of having a life where I’m comfortable and as healthy as I can be.

What is your motivation?

Until next time,

Sarah

May 29, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Running? A 5k? Maybe!

Hello friends,

Today i’m thankful for having such a lovely place to call home and the world’s best housemate a girl could ask for.

Recap of goals:

Food – wasn’t successful today. I woke up super late, didn’t eat breakfast…didn’t eat lunch until late and snacked through dinner. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will try harder.

Workout at Y – I made it! I walked for 10 minutes on treadmill to warm up  and spent 15 minutes on elliptical machine.

Blog – I spent a little time on here poking around trying to figure it out. I definitely need to spend a little more time.

 So i’ve signed up to do something that might be a little crazy. It’s a program called 5K in 100 days. It’s learning to run 3.1 miles (5K) in 100 days! Holy cow! I am signed up and ready to go! It is training 3 times a week through 100 days of interval training. I am quite nervous and excited and scared and very curious to see how it all goes! I will keep everyone posted on how my progress goes.

I am planning on going out with my sister for a drink tonight. I will be limiting myself to one drink and no “bar food”. I’ve already eaten enough food for the day ( and then some!)

Goals for Sunday:

– Food on track! Eating ONLY food on my plan, recording everything.

– Get to Y and get a workout in

– Plan food for next week and create shopping list.

Until next time,

Sarah

May 28, 2011. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

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